Heckles

Last week, Fritz asked me "what is the worst you've heard or had said/yelled at you?" Fritz is referring to heckles that are hurled at me by players, coaches, fans, animals, blind people, etc. Well, I now have an answer. Friday night I was refereeing a freshman boys basketball game at USA v Reese. USA is coached by Kevin Vermeesch (I think we all remember him) and Reese is coached by Ben Hillborg (and his dad assists him). Quick note on Ben Hillborg. I believe he graduated either with us or a year after us from Reese. But, let's go into the "way back" machine. I can't remember if it was our Junior or Senior year, but it seems like there was a Reese player who took his shirt off at the JV football game or something like that and he was a Varsity football player. I thought it was at the JV game played at CC, which would mean the Varsity would have played at Reese the following night. Well, our Junior year we played at Reese and our Senior year was at home. Anyway, that's not really the point of the story, just wondered if anyone remembered that.

So, back to the game. I may have missed a few calls or fouls. The context of the story is that this occured in the middle of the 4th quarter. Reese was getting beat by at least 15-20 points. Game is basically over. You suck. The position I was standing in during the live action was in front of the Reese bench. I may have missed a call that Ben wanted to go his way. Next thing I hear is "You haven't called anything for 3 minutes. What year did you graduate from USA?"

Seriously? "What year did I graduate from USA?" I wanted to turn around and say, "Coach, that heckle was about as lame as the plays you are calling." So to answer Fritz, that was the worst I've heard. Worst meaning any 3rd grader could have come up with a better heckle than that. I mean, come on coach. Is that really the best you've got? I can think of a million times I've heard that from idiots in the stands. You're the coach. Please tell me you've got something better. You've been hating me for a long time, that's what you came up with? That's your creativity? Well, I guess so, after seeing your play calling and how badly you teach defense. (Side note: I rip on his defense because in the 3rd quarter alone, a total of 19 fouls were called between both teams. NINETEEN!?!?! 10 on Reese and 9 on USA. In one freakin' quarter. So, 10 to 9 is like totally favoring USA. I can clearly see his argument. Nothing is going his way, right. 10 fouls to 9. Way uneven.)

Let me help you coach. Try this next time, except apply it to basketball:

What were you, a lookout at Pearl Harbor!
I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog!
Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille?
Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em'.
Lenscrafter called...they'll be ready in 30 min.
Do you get any better or is this it?
Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog.
Why don't you get your seeing eye dog to call it for you?