Military Humor

Ran across this today and found it amusing: The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. My favorites:

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

22. Must never call an SAS a "Wanker".

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt" by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)

52. Not allowed to yell "Take that Cobra" at the rifle range.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

84. Must not use military vehicles to "Squish" things.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

130. "I’m drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

170. Not allowed to "defect" to OPFOR during training missions.

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something "I saw in a cartoon".

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.