Lions Sign Williams

The Detroit Lions have signed first round draft pick Mike Williams. Now you can begin to salivate at the prospect of seeing him, Charles Rogers, and Roy Williams all on the field at the same time.

Another One Bites The Dust

So, T.O. showed up to Eagles training camp today. He and Rosenhaus have talked a big game, but when it comes down to it there's really nothing to be gained by staying away. The Eagles won't budge, it'll make them look bad in the league and with the fans. Plus, they've played it this way for years and if they change, there'll be hell to pay. T.O. can't realistically be traded. So, reason finally prevailed.

In other news, Sean Taylor is a moron. "I don't think anyone should have regrets, especially me," he said to reporters. You sure you don't regret that little incident with a gun that could land you in prison for 3 years, Sean? Probably not. During the draft this year, someone observed that Miami players had started to become 'too cool for school' and were nothing but trouble, despite immense physical talent. I'd say that's fairly accurate.

Koren Robinson has checked himself into rehab and hopes to be available for the regular season. You may remember the last time he was in the news; he showed up for his one-day jail sentence for DUI drunk. Not even Ted Kennedy does that. Said Robinson: "I've realized I've got a problem." Gosh, ya think?

Finally, Len Pasquarelli, at Panthers camp, praises Julius Peppers here. He's a freak, and apparently a pretty decent guy. Good to hear.

Serenity is coming.

The Other Barber

Len Pasquarelli writes about the underrated Bucs CB Ronde Barber here. Obviously, he gets less attention than his brother Tiki, who's a RB for the Giants. Ronde's been to two Pro Bowls, which I wasn't aware of. Actually, at last year's Pro Bowl, he and Tiki both played, becoming the first pair of twins to do so. Makes for an interesting nature vs. nurture debate. Two sets of the same DNA, two successful NFL careers, two very different positions. Tiki weighs 200 lbs. to his Ronde's 184, but that has to do with conditioning rather than genes. If there was a third Barber brother, could he play WR? Or QB?

#1 Penguin

As expected, the Pittsburgh Penguins made Sidney Crosby the first pick in the NHL Draft. Crosby, who turns 18 next week, only has a little pressure, as he is being compared to Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux and is expected to by the saviour of hockey. Think Lebron James, minus all the Nike money. Good luck, kid.

Bayless on T.O.

Now I've generally not been writing about people I don't like or are being overhyped by the media: T.O., Larry Brown, etc. This is especially true in referencing things written about them by writers I don't like. Skip Bayless generally falls under this category. But he has some intelligent things to say about Owens. He thinks the Eagles only way out is to trade Owens. I don't agree at the moment, but he makes a reasonable case. Some notable points:

The fact remains that the NFL Players Association advised Owens not to sign his current seven-year, $49 million contract (including a $10 million signing bonus). But Owens gratefully signed it because: 1) his former agent had blown the free-agent deadline; 2) he had been traded to Baltimore; and 3) he had thrown such a fit until he had been allowed to sign with Philly and play with his dear friend and soul mate, Donovan McNabb.

Once, when I covered Owens' 49ers, a team executive dismissed him with, "He's as dumb as a chair." I disagreed then and do now. Terrell Eldorado Owens has brilliant PR instincts -- governed by deep, dark insecurity. That's right: All his egomaniacal celebrating sometimes masks a shrinking confidence...My theory: Owens always builds in excuses to take the pressure and potential blame off him.

Good stuff.

Extending Darko

The Pistons have exercised their team option on Darko Milicic so that he will be under contract for 2 more seasons. Said Dumars:

We are pleased to have Darko Milicic signed through the 2006-07 season and we look forward to seeing his continued growth as a player. Darko was able to play a lot of minutes during summer league this July and we are happy that he is on Serbia-Montenegro's roster during the European Championships this September.

Hopefully, this will be the next step in Darko silencing his critics. Or, turning into the greatest NBA failure ever.

A Letter from Darren McCarty

A letter McCarty wrote to fans that appeared in the Freep:

Don't be sad it's over -- be happy it happened.

In the past few days, since the official word came of the buyout and as the status of my contract teetered, the reality that I'm not going to be a Red Wing anymore has set in, and I've taken some time to reflect.

I don't know if it's maturity ('cause if you know me, that's never been an issue) or the painstaking reality of the past 12 months without hockey. Either way, I'm saddened to leave an organization in a place where I've grown up, raised a family, been part of a first-class and first-rate team, won three Stanley Cups and achieved great personal success.

But looking back, what I really feel is gratitude -- thankful for the opportunity to realize a childhood dream to play for my childhood team. Grateful to Mr. and Mrs. Ilitch and their entire family for letting this boy become a man and always treating my family as one of their own. Grateful to the entire Red Wing organization from Ken Holland and his staff, to John Hahn and Anne Marie Krappmann in the PR department for their ever tireless effort. Grateful to Piet Van Zant and Paul Boyer for patching me up and getting me back out on the ice. Grateful for the support and memories from everyone at the Joe whom I will miss seeing daily, and thankful to the media for not only their endless support of myself but in the way they've always supported the McCarty Cancer Foundation and my band Grinder.

What will I miss most about playing hockey in Detroit? That's simple. The fans. From the day-to-day coffee stop or gas station conversation to the people who say hello on the street or ask for an autograph at the checkout, there are no greater fans than those in Detroit.

These are the great things about my time as a Red Wing that I will always remember no matter where I go. Thank you to all of you. But please don't shed a tear 'cause it's over -- crack a smile 'cause it happened, and no one can ever take that away. I'll always be a Red Wing at heart, and Detroit will always be my home.

Much love to you all,

Darren McCarty, Red Wings No. 25

NFL Roundup

Somebody forgot to tell rookie Manuel Wright of the Miami Dolphins that there's no crying in baseball... or football. He started crying after he was chewed out by coach Nick Saban. Now, I'm not a Saban fan, for reasons everyone probably knows, but there's a real coach. I'm sure the other guys will go easy Wright. You're a sensitive boy aren't you Manuel?

Shareholders of the Green Bay Packers have told general manager Ted Thompson to not give in to Javon Walker's contract demands. Looks like the Packers will stand strong. It's not looking so good for Rosenhaus's holdout strategy so far. UPDATE: Walker has reported to training camp.

Finally, ESPN has announced the new team for MNF in 2006: Al Michaels, Joe Theismann, Suzy Kolber, and Michelle Tafoya. If you didn't know, Madden is leaving MNF after this season. Of course, Al has been there forever, and I like Theismann, and I've always liked Suzy, even all the way back to the X-games in Rhode Island. Have to say though, I'd have much preferred to see the entire Sunday night crew of Joe Theismann, Mike Patrick, Paul Maguire, and Suzy moved to MNF and give Al a job somewhere else. That group is the best football broadcasting team working today. It'll be a shame to have them broken up.

Coaching Changes

Things are crazy in Detroit. Do you know who the longest tenured head coach of a major sports franchise in Detroit is? Alan Trammell. Of course, that's not much of an accomplishment as the only other coach who isn't new this month is Mooch. Anyway, you can read about the Red Wings hiring Babcock here (mentioned already) and the Pistons ditching Larry Brown and hiring, in a surprising move, and by surprising I mean possibly the worst kept secret ever, Flip Saunders.

Brawl in Detroit

Read about it here.

Awesome Case Mod

If you know much of anything about computer cases, you'll love this:


That's just sick. Mod isn't really the right word, this is a custom case that's being constructed. Go here to read all about the work being done.

Finally, A Trade

An agreement in principle to trade Travis Henry has been reached between the Bills and the Titans. This isn't a surprise as a trade has been expected for quite a while now. What does this do for Henry's fantasy value, and current Titan's starter Chris Brown? Henry has more value not sitting behind Willis McGahee, but it's hard to say how much more. Brown's value difficult to determine because of injury concerns: he's fragile. Henry will surely get some starts. Wait until after training camp for a better answer.

Thawed Out

So, 301 days later, the NHL has returned. This is good news. I can't say I really missed hockey all that much, but I did miss having the Red Wings on TV from time to time, especially around playoff time. Hockey was needed to balance the awful NBA. The big question is: Can the NHL redeem itself? The lockout has done major damage. For example, ESPN found that programming that replaced hockey, like more college basketball, actually got better ratings. Are they going to be quick to switch back over? Lots of fans will have left, can rule changes and possible ticket price cuts bring them back? Detroit will do fine, but what about Columbus or Phoenix?

The Red Wings will look very different too. First, they have a new coach, Mike Babcock, formerly of the Ducks. Second, the new salary cap is sure to affect the roster, which would have had a $60 million payroll if the season hadn't been cancelled. There are contract rollbacks, but we're sure to see a younger Wings team missing some old favorites. Discussion about that here.

Some final thoughts. The new league should be more competitive with a salary cap. However 20 of 30 teams making the playoffs is ridiculous. That's 66% of the teams in the league. That works fine in a fantasy league, but in real sports it's going to lead to a devalued regular season and some very unworthy teams making the playoffs. Finally, I'm all in favor of a competitive league, it's done wonders for the NHL, but lets not forget what started this whole thing: The Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup. This produced a hockey apocalypse. Hopefully, things can now be set right.

41

That's how many HRs Bobby Abreu hit last night in the Home Run Derby at Comerica Park, including a whopping 24 in the first round. His 41 is the highest total ever, surpassing Miguel Tejada's 27 last year. That's a 52% increase. In Detroit. His longest shot went 517 feet. From ESPN's new story: "ESPN estimated that Abreu's 41 homers traveled 17,565 feet." That's 3.3 miles. Roughly the distance from my home in CC to Haag's. Jayson Stark has great article about it up here. A quote:

Nobody predicted this.

Not a 24-homer first round from a mere one human being (ultimate winner Bobby Abreu of the Phillies).

Not a 17-homer first round, many minutes later, from a guy who didn't even make it to the finals (David Ortiz).

Not 107 total home runs, in a ballpark with the same approximate dimensions as South Dakota.

Not 41 total home runs in three rounds by the guy who won it. "Forty-one" laughed Carlos Lee's designated Derby pitcher, Brewers coach Rich Donnelly. "I was pretty sure that five was gonna win it."

And I missed it. Well, I suppose ESPN will rerun it a little. Who's lucky enough to have Abreu on their fantasy team? Oh yeah, that's me.

So there was a plan.

Well, probably not. But Agim Shabaj has decided to enter the NFL supplemental draft and try a revive his football career that was jeopardized by poor grades. What are his chances of being selected? Len Pasquarelli writes in his Tip Sheet: "Shabaj didn't return many kicks at Michigan State, but his sub-4.4 speed could merit some attention in that area." Not a ringing endorsement, but who knows?

Mock Draft

Here are the results of a 10-team mock draft, based on ESPN's Top 150 rankings and filling all the offensive starting positions first. A real draft would look different, but this gives you some idea of what a team in a position might look like.

Team 1
1. LaDainian Tomlinson
20. Tiki Barber
21. Donovan McNabb
40. Nate Burleson
41. Donald Driver
60. Lee Evans
61. Dallas Clark

Team 2
2. Shaun Alexander
19. Terrell Owens
22. Ahman Green
39. Michael Clayton
42. Kerry Collins
59. Larry Fitzgerald
62. Randy McMichael

Team 3
3. Peyton Manning
18. Clinton Portis
23. Julius Jones
38. Jason Witten
43. Muhsin Muhammad
58. Roy Williams
63. Isaac Bruce

Team 4
4. Priest Holmes
17. Curtis Martin
24. Antonio Gates
37. Darrell Jackson
44. Marc Bulger
57. Steve Smith
64. Anquan Boldin

Team 5
5. Randy Moss
16. Chad Johnson
25. LaMont Jordan
36. Steven Jackson
45. Alge Crumpler
56. Plaxico Burress
65. Jake Delhomme

Team 6
6. Edgerrin James
15. Rudi Johnson
26. Tony Gonzalez
35. Trent Green
46. Derrick Mason
55. Drew Bennett
66. Laveranues Coles

Team 7
7. Willis McGahee
14. Torry Holt
27. Kevin Jones
34. Javon Walker
47. Brett Favre
54. Jimmy Smith
67. Heath Miller

Team 8
8. Deuce McAllister
13. Marvin Harrison
28. Tatum Bell
33. Hines Ward
48. Chris Chambers
53. Todd Heap
68. Michael Vick

Team 9
9. Corey Dillon
12. Daunte Culpepper
29. Joe Horn
32. Brian Westbrook
49. Jerry Porter
52. Ashley Lelie
69. Bubba Franks

Team 10
10. Jamal Lewis
11. Domanick Davis
30. Andre Johnson
31. Reggie Wayne
50. Jeremy Shockey
51. Tom Brady
70. Rod Smith

Preseason 119

Even though some are now discouraging preseason polls because they believe they give teams with big expectations an edge, they are going to exist because we love them. And if you want overkill, check out the FoxSports.com Preseason 119. You'll never get to the end, but it's still fun. Before you ask, Michigan is #7 and MSU is #40. USC is #1.

Andy is...

Clayton on Joey

John Clayton of ESPN has an interesting article up about QB's on the hot seat, specifically Joey Harrington. An excerpt:

"Harrington finds his career at a crossroads. He has started 44 games, winning only 14. After three seasons, his completion percentage is substandard (56 percent) and his 6.23 yards per attempt is more than a yard-and-a-half below what is expected of a quarterback."

Read it here.

Who are you?

Apparently, I'm the Beast, at least that's what the "Which Marvel Superhero Are You?" quiz at this site said.

Bye bye, Shabaj

Spartan receiver Agim Shabaj has been declared academically ineligible and will miss the 2005 season. That's too bad, the Spartans could have used him. What was his major that was just too hard to keep the grades up in? Kinesiology. Perhaps Applied Human Anatomy and Psychological Basis of Physical Activity might be a little difficult, but I know he also had easy courses like Coaching Football, because I was in his class. That class was a gimme 100%. I didn't miss a question on all three of the tests, because I had underlined in my notebook what the right answers were. Which they had told us in class. Sigh. I guess he'll have to stay home and simulate his senior season on NCAA '06. Good luck with that.

College Fantasy

Once, it was only a dream. Yes, maybe one of those crazy dreams you have when you take cold medicine right before bed, but a dream none the less. Now it's here. Free college fantasy football, and from a reputable site at that. Go here to sign up to be notified when registration begins.

Heisman Contenders

Ready for a little college football talk? Any list of potential Heisman contenders is sure to generate some buzz, but FOXSports went all out and picked the Top 1000. Oops, I mean 100, it only feels like 1000. Number 1? I think you can guess:

1. QB Matt Leinart, USC — Unlike Jason White in 2004, Leinart will defend his Heisman crown with a full head of steam and the unanimous respect of the voters. The loss of offensive coordinator Norm Chow will be offset by a receiving corps that's light years better than it was nine months ago.

'Kamikaze' Stanton makes the top 50 at #48. Seems to me he could be in the top 30, even with injury concerns. Henne from Michigan is #11.

Rumor from Bizarro World

A trade rumor that just started circulating:

Philadelphia television station WPVI is reporting that there is a trade in the works that would send disgruntled wideout Terrell Owens, who had 1,200 yards and 14 touchdowns for the Eagles last season, to Oakland in exchange for Jerry Porter and possibly a draft pick. Porter caught 64 balls for 998 yards and nine touchdowns in 2004.

Read the story here and here. I can just barely imagine this happening, but it seems far to Madden-esque to be true.

UPDATE: Sal Palantonio says it's not happening.

Down Memory Lane

Just a little trip down memory lane as we head towards the 2005 fantasy football season.

Cass City Monkies 2004 Results
Season
1. Go Deep!!! 11-4 2178.15 W-3*
2. Soon 2 be the leader 9-6 2050.45 W-8*
3. BimSkalaBimmin' 9-6 1978.75 L-3*
4. Turf Smack 8-7 1999.10 W-1*
5. DTownThunderCats 8-7 1887.30 L-2
6. The Tecmos 7-8 2134.25 W-2
7. The Living Legend 7-8 2064.85 L-1
8. Bone Collectors 1-14 1574.70 L-3
* = made playoffs

Playoffs
1. Go Deep!!!
2. Soon 2 be the leader
3. BimSkalaBimmin'
4. Turf Smack
5. The Tecmos
6. Bone Collectors
7. The Living Legend
8. DTownThunderCats

Go Deep!!!= Barrigar, Soon 2 be the leader= Fritz, BimSkalaBimmin'= Andy, Turf Smack= Haag, The Tecmos= Adam, Bone Collectors= Matt, The Living Legend= Bader, DTownThunderCats= Kid Loe.

Cass City Monkies 2003 Results
Anyone remember the standings, or at least who the champion was? That year it was Forearm Shiver, Gruesome Gamecocks, Dirty Construction Workers, Calm Like A Bomb, Kung Fu Death Monkies, etc. Matt and Darin were at the bottom, and I know neither I or Andy won.

Cass City Monkies 2002 Results
Season
1. Bader
2. Fritz
3. Barrigar
4. Haag
5. Stack
6. Ross
7. Andy
8. Labar

Playoffs
1. Barrigar

That's all the info I have. Add whatever you can remember. Or don't.

Bye Weeks

Useful info when drafting:

Week 3: Detroit, Washington, Baltimore, Houston
Week 4: Chicago, Cleveland, Miami, Pittsburgh
Week 5: Kansas City, Oakland, Minnesota, NY Giants
Week 6: Green Bay, Philadelphia, Arizona, San Francisco
Week 7: New England, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Jacksonville
Week 8: Atlanta, Indianapolis, NY Jets, Seattle
Week 9: Buffalo, Dallas, Denver, St. Louis
Week 10: Cincinnati, Tennessee, New Orleans, San Diego

Top 150

Excited for fantasy football? Obviously not, as only 3 people have signed up so far. But, when you are, you may want to check out ESPN's Top 150 for the season. It's supposed to be Insider content only, so don't know how long it will be up. Here's a taste:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson
2. Shaun Alexander
3. Peyton Manning
4. Priest Holmes
5. Randy Moss
6. Edgerrin James
7. Willis McGahee
8. Deuce McAllister
9. Corey Dillon
10. Jamal Lewis

Who has the best WRs?

According to The Sporting News, the Rams. The Lions come in second. See for yourself here.

A Quote...

from Len Pasquarelli's Tip Sheet on ESPN.com:

"The Jim Jones-type Kool-Aid that he is offering players, the essential ingredient in that Kool-Aid is that he can get them a new deal. Jim Jones Kool-Aid often leads to mass deaths and destruction. People that are drinking the Kool-Aid can expect the normal consequences to follow. (But) right now, the players are buying the stuff by the gallon." – former agent David Ware, who over the last year lost a half-dozen clients to Drew Rosenhaus, one of the NFL's highest-profile agents.

NFL Roundup

Ricky Williams is going to apply for reinstatement. Apparently, now that he's a holistic healer or somesuch, he doesn't need the pot. He does, however, need the money, as he was unable to pay the $8.6 million a judge ordered him to repay the Dolphins. So he's planning to lace up the cleats again. Wonder how his teammates will react when he shows up again?

Not really news, but this bit from an article by SI's Dr. Z intrigued me:

Did the idea of a double-QB offense at Atlanta, featuring Michael Vick lined up in a shotgun, alongside another QB or maybe spread out, or something, ever cross my mind?

OK, I'll need room for this one (although I could swear I wrote about it a couple of years ago). One night I had a dream ... honest, this came to me in a dream. The dream was that the Falcons came out in an old-fashioned single-wing. It was probably keyed by something Vince Lombardi once told me. I had asked him what would happen if a team all of a sudden sprung a single-wing. He said, "It would embarrass the hell out of us."

In my dream, I lined up Vick at the run-pass tailback spot. T.J. Duckett was my spinning fullback. Warrick Dunn was the wingback, and Brian Kozlowski, normally the second tight end, was the blocking back. I just couldn't shake the vision. Finally I called Dan Reeves, who was the Falcons' coach at the time. Of all the loony calls he's ever gotten, this must have ranked right up there. Anyway, I laid it all out for him, ending with Duckett as the old Michigan-style spinning fullback.

"What's a spinning fullback?" Reeves said, and I realized that I was either real old or just dopier than usual. The idea never got any further, but I still think something like that would light up the sky.

I've become rather fascinated by the single wing and similar offenses. I've read that some high schools have had some major successes with it. I wouldn't want to install it as the only option for a team, but it might an interesting change of pace. Especially if you had a guy with skills like Vick.

Kickoff!

It has begun. The fantasy football league is up at Yahoo. The League ID# is 7276 and the Password is monkie, as usual. That's all the info you need to get in. Sign up and check out the settings and let me know about anything you'd like clarified, changed, etc. They're the same as last year, with the exception that tackles are worth 1 pt instead of .5 and assists are worth .5 instead of .25. The draft is at the best time I could get; there weren't any other good options unless you want to draft much earlier. Draft order is yet to be determined, feel free to share any ideas.

Fantasizing

No sooner do I say that fantasy football season is around the corner than does a bunch of content pop up. You can check out a 14-round, 12-team "experts" draft here. The first pick was L.T. A bunch of Yahoo! fantasy writers also have their "High Fives", their top 5 picks in various categories posted here. Just enough to whet your appetite.

Holy Horsepower, Batman!

Want to see the new Batmobile in action? Check out this link. Also, a pic for those who haven't seen:

Tiger Trade

The Tigers traded RP Ugueth Urbina and SS Ramon Martinez to the Phillies for 2B/3B Placido Polanco today. I knew that the Tigers were likely to move Urbina, but I haven't followed baseball closely enough to comment on whether or not it's a good trade. I guess I'll trust Dombrowski. It also means Joe will have another Tiger to pick-up for his fantasy team.

Heads-Up

Yahoo! says that sign-up for fantasy football will happen sometime in June. So, before that happens, if anyone wants to make any comments or suggestions, please do. Draft type, draft time, number of players, positions, point values, waiver time, and especially playoff scheduling would all be good candidates for input. You can see the choice of settings here and the front page is here. The season kicks off September 8th.

Jumping Ship

ESPN is getting off the USS BCS, withdrawing its name from the Coaches' Poll. A remark from ESPN:

"Coaches have the perfect right to conduct their voting the way they see fit," said Vince Doria, ESPN's vice president and director of news. "We just feel, in our best interests here, we couldn't reconcile having our name on the poll and being able to cover any controversy that might arise."

Weak? I think so. It's hard to believe that ESPN is really worried about controversy. You'd think they'd welcome it. It's not like people blamed them when the poll got wacky the end of last year. Looks more like they're jumping on the anti-BCS bandwagon. Maybe it has something to do with the BCS signing a deal with Fox?

Playing Favorites

The NFL has just released sales figures for player jerseys from the past fiscal year. The top ten:

1. Randy Moss
2. Michael Vick
3. Tom Brady
4. Donovan McNabb
5. Ben Roethlisberger
6. LaDainian Tomlinson
7. Byron Leftwich
8. Carnell Williams
9. Jeremy Shockey
10. Tiki Barber

Tiki? I guess there's no accounting for taste. Number one draft pick Alex Smith was 12th. The Eagles had the highest team sales.

Who are you?

Since I was bored and wanted to avoid working on homework, that bit about Rosenhaus got me thinking. He sees himself as a superhero, but which one? The Punisher, Dr. Doom, or maybe Mr. Fantastic? Hmm. Then I got thinking, who would I be? So here it is: Which superhero best describes you, or anyone else in one of our fantasy leagues? Need help? Check out Marvel or DC Comics.

Welcome back, Chuck!

Charles Rogers has been cleared to practice without restrictions. Goodbye red jersey, hello contact. My first NFL prediction of the year: Chuck will NOT break his collar bone this year and will play at least 10 games.

Superheroes

For Drew Rosenhaus:

Speaking of hatable...

...there's an article on ESPN.com about slimeball agent Drew Rosenhaus. Everyone's familiar with him, he's a fast-talker with a gigantic ego. The tactics of some of his clients have drawn the ire of guys like Brett Favre and Donovan F. McNabb. Another agent's view of him:

"He's Colonel Kurtz stepping off his boat in Heart of Darkness. He's become megalomaniacal, consumed by greed."

But would you believe he's a... comic fan!?!

They occupy an entire wall of his upstairs bedroom: Spiderman, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, etc. Thousands of Marvel Comics are stacked neatly in his closet.

Like him or hate him, Drew does work his butt off. If it makes you feel better though, he apparently has no life to go with all that money and ego:

Rosenhaus averages four or five hours of sleep per night. He says he works seven days a week and never takes vacations. Even when he's in the shower, he parks his two cell phones within easy reach. He concedes he doesn't have much of a personal life.

Interesting reading.

Love & Hate

Congratulations to the Pistons for beating the Heat, advancing to the NBA Finals, and proving my pessimism wrong. Love from the Freep here and the Detroit News here. Of course, there are haters. Like Marc Stein on ESPN.com here. Hater might be a tad strong, but we all know the national media hates Detroit (especially the hateable Dan LeBatard, but everyone hates him, so who cares?), so you can expect to see a lot of praise for the Spurs and little for the Pistons over the next couple of days. Of course, the Spurs are the best TEAM they've played so far and deserve much of the praise they get, but there's a lot of sports reporters who would have preferred Spurs-Heat. Oh well, I guess we'll have to settle for a Finals where something like REAL basketball might be played.

The Revolution will be, uh... small?

Those of you less video game inclined (and by "you", I mean the hypothetical readers) may have missed the announcement about Nintendo's next-gen system, the Revolution. Here are some pics:



Yes, it's about the size of 3 DVD cases stacked together. You can check out the official specs and other images here.

The most interesting thing about the Revolution is that it will be backwards compatible and allow you to download old school games. Yes, NES games, like the ROMs on your computer. And they'll be free, the ones from Nintendo anyway. There's a list of Nintendo's offerings here, my favorites:

NES
Duck Hunt, Excitebike, Final Fantasy, Kung Fu, Metroid, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario Bros. 2: The Lost Levels, Super Mario Bros. 3, The Legend of Zelda.

Super NES
Donkey Kong Country, Super Mario Kart, Super Mario World.

Nintendo 64
Excitebike 64, Goldeneye 007, Mario Kart 64, Perfect Dark, Star Wars Episode I: Racer, Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire, Super Mario 64, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Yes, I'm on a list kick.

Military Humor

Ran across this today and found it amusing: The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. My favorites:

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

22. Must never call an SAS a "Wanker".

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt" by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)

52. Not allowed to yell "Take that Cobra" at the rifle range.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

84. Must not use military vehicles to "Squish" things.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

130. "I’m drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

170. Not allowed to "defect" to OPFOR during training missions.

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something "I saw in a cartoon".

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

Peter Gammons...

...talks about a Tiger in his column from yesterday. Dmitri? Nope. Pudge? Wrong. Bonderman maybe? Wrong again. He's talking about Brandon Inge. Here's a short quote: "For all of us who turn to Baseball Prospectus' VORP, he is the second most productive third baseman next to Alex Rodriguez." You can check it out here.

Brownout

The Pistons may very well lose tonight and end their season. If they do, the blame will fall squarely on Larry Brown and his flirtations with other jobs. ESPN.com has done a good job covering this and pretty well sums up what I've been thinking. Check out Adrian Wojnarowski's column here, a quote:

After winning that NBA title a season ago, Brown had a chance to reshape his legacy for the history books. He had a chance to end his career with far more dignity and grace than he had conducted it. But Brown showed once again that he's the most selfish and disingenuous coach the profession has ever spawned. No pupil has ever come closer to Dean Smith's genius on the floor, and gone further from his character off it.

As far as the job with the Cavaliers? Here's Marc Stein's take:

Larry Brown cannot be an effective personnel chief in the NBA. He can't be. He won't be. He sours on players far too quickly to be a level-headed talent evaluator. He is chronically, famously fickle.

No matter what happens, I don't think Larry Brown is going to have many friends in Detroit by the end of the month.

It's Coming

NFL Minicamps are wrapping up and the fantasy football season is fast approaching. So, it's time to start thinking fantasy draft. Well, slightly early maybe, but close enough. In the spirit of sharing, I present the top 25 of Brandon Funston's (of Yahoo!) Top 50. You can check out the rest here.

1. LaDainian Tomlinson, SD, RB
2. Peyton Manning, Ind, QB
3. Shaun Alexander, Sea, RB
4. Edgerrin James, Ind, RB
5. Willis McGahee, Buf, RB
6. Priest Holmes, KC, RB
7. Randy Moss, Oak, WR
8. Daunte Culpepper, Min, QB
9. Corey Dillon, NE, RB
10. Jamal Lewis, Bal, RB
11. Domanick Davis, Hou, RB
12. Deuce McAllister, NO, RB
13. Julius Jones, Dal, RB
14. Tiki Barber, NYG RB
15. Ahman Green, GB, RB
16. Marvin Harrison, Ind, WR
17. Curtis Martin, NYJ, RB
18. Clinton Portis, Was, RB
19. Rudi Johnson, Cin, RB
20. Kevin Jones, Det, RB
21. Terrell Owens, Phi, WR
22. Donovan McNabb, Phi, QB
23. Torry Holt, StL, WR
24. Steven Jackson, StL, RB
25. Tatum Bell, Den, RB

Need a pick me up?

Waking up early got you down? Are you dragging all morning? Just can't seem to wake up? I've got the answer: caffeinated soap! Yes, you read right. Why wait until your coffee to get your caffeine? All they need is a little cross-promotion with Mountain Dew and they'll have a hit on their hands.

E-X-C-I-T-E-M-E-N-T

Don't miss the final rounds of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN2. Woohoo!

Big Money

Revenge of the Sith made $303,949,700 worldwide in 5 days. What could you do with that much money? You could buy:

- 58,451 Capuchin Monkeys
- 4,052,662 Detroit Lion Jerseys
- 6,681,681 copies of the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD
- 2,554,199 Lightsabers
- 15,205,087 Louisville Sluggers
- 690 Porshe Carrera GTs
- 5,284 Hummer H2s
- 30,394,970 Pizzas
- 75,987,425 Ballpark Hot Dogs

Among other things, of course.

NFL Roundup

A quick recap of some stories in the NFL:

The Competition committee has voted to ban the "horse-collar" tackle. This will probably end up being known as the Roy (Cowboys) Williams Rule as he seriously injured 4 players last year using this move. Roy's opinion of the rule: "Crazy."

Jerry Rice, widely known as the best receiver in Tecmo Super Bowl, has signed a one-year contract with the Denver Broncos to compete for the 4th WR position.

Len Pasquarelli of ESPN.com dismantles Kellen Winslow Jr. in an article here. A quote:

Suddenly, the self-proclaimed "soldier," who will have played just two games during his first two seasons in the league, looks more like a soldier of misfortune. The "Warrior" is wounded, "The Chosen One" a chucklehead.

Also, Len talks about the secondaries in the NFC North here. It's a good read.

First Drink of the Day

Dancing, singing, guitar-playing monkeys? Swing music? Alcohol? Intrigued? Check it out here. Might be a large download for dial-up users.

Want to kill zombies?

And who doesn't? Go here.

Kick T.O. to the curb?

Here's an article by Phil Sheridan of the Philly Inquirer that I really liked. A quote:

Reid simply can't let this slide. He has built this organization a certain way, with certain kinds of people, and he took a chance by making an exception for Owens. A year ago, I was all for that move. I even wrote in this very space that, if Owens was able to control himself for just one season, it would be worth it.

That holds true. Last season was special. It was worth it. But Owens has crossed a very important line here, the one between mere distraction and locker-room cancer. He has forced Reid to do more than simply ignore this mess.

You can live with a distraction. You have to remove a cancer. As soon as possible.

Quote of the Day

"We had some good shots but couldn't hit a bull in the rear end with a bass fiddle."
-Rick Carlisle, Indiana Pacers Coach

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Who didn't love TMNT when we were kids? They were the last great toy fad for our age group and spawned increased interest in martial arts and lot of pet turtles named after painters. While surfing I found the original TMNT comic book online. Check it out if you were a fan, or laugh at the silliness of it if you weren't.

Weekly Roundup

Since it was finals week I didn't get a chance to post much, so I'll condense everything into one post:

1. Congratulations to Ben Wallace on winning the Defensive Player of the Year award for the 3rd time in 4 years. Congrats are also in order for the Pistons for finishing off the Sixers and moving on to the second round of the playoffs, proving that team play beats one superstar and a perjurer any day.

2. There's a Time Travelers Convention being held this weekend at MIT. You see, they figure they only need to hold one ever and everyone can come. No word on how many time travelers from the future RSVPed.

3. Too much time on your hands? Go here. Flash games that will keep you busy for hours. My favorite? Bullet time fighting.

That's all. I'm out.

Savor It

I don't when the last time this happened was, but the Tigers currently have a better record than the Yankees:

Detroit W:11 L:10 PCT:.524 GB:4.0
New York W:9 L:14 PCT:.391 GB:6.5

You can see all the standings here.

Professor Carter

You may have heard that Mike Williams has been working out with former NFL great Cris Carter. You can read about it here. Here's a quote:

"I don't care how many receivers are drafted," Carter says. "There's no rookie receivers working like this today. Yeah, there might be a Torry Holt working like this today. Yeah, there might be a Marvin Harrison, guys like that, because they know. But those young guys, they don't know this."

You Can't Take The Sky From Me

You can check out the first trailer for the coolest movie of the fall here. Don't argue, just do it. If you don't get it, go here or maybe here.

Rookie Numbers

From the Freep:

The Lions' new players already know which uniform numbers they will be wearing when they report Thursday to minicamp at Allen Park. Williams will wear 85, Cody No. 75, cornerback Stanley Wilson No. 33, Orlovsky No. 9, defensive end Bill Swancutt No. 90 and linebacker Johnathan Goddard No. 99.

Adios!

The draft fallout begins:

(April 25, 2005) ALLEN PARK, Mich. -- The Detroit Lions announced today that they have released WR Az-Zahir Hakim and S Brock Marion. The team also announced that they have signed free agent DT Brandon Kennedy to a one-year deal. No additional contract terms were disclosed.

Draft Grades

Here's my grades for the 2005 NFL Draft:

Arizona Cardinals: Incomplete
Atlanta Falcons: Incomplete
Baltimore Ravens: Incomplete
Buffalo Bills: Incomplete
Carolina Panthers: Incomplete
Chicago Bears: Incomplete
Cincinnati Bengals: Incomplete
Cleveland Browns: Incomplete
Dallas Cowboys: Incomplete
Denver Broncos: Incomplete
Detroit Lions: Incomplete
Green Bay Packers: Incomplete
Houston Texans: Incomplete
Indianapolis Colts: Incomplete
Jacksonville Jaguars: Incomplete
Kansas City Chiefs: Incomplete
Miami Dolphins: Incomplete
Minnesota Vikings: Incomplete
New England Patriots: Incomplete
New Orleans Saints: Incomplete
New York Giants: Incomplete
New York Jets: Incomplete
Oakland Raiders: Incomplete
Philadelphia Eagles: Incomplete
Pittsburgh Steelers: Incomplete
St. Louis Rams: Incomplete
San Diego Chargers: Incomplete
San Francisco 49ers: Incomplete
Seattle Seahawks: Incomplete
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Incomplete
Tennessee Titans: Incomplete
Washington Redskins: Incomplete

You see, one day after the draft it's silly to try to assess how successful a team's draft was, hence incomplete. All these guys handing out draft grades are only really telling you whether or not they LIKED a team's picks. Check back in 2008 if you want to see how a team actually did.

Exploding Toads!

What's funnier than penguins walking through an airport metal detector? Exploding toads!

Flightless Birds

From Michelle Malkin.

Phrases You Never Thought You'd Hear

"Now, if they can get either Joey Harrington or Jeff Garcia to play like Scott Mitchell – then they’ll really be onto something special." -Doug Warren, Scout.com

Now, granted, he was talking about the Scott Mitchell of 1995 who threw for 4,338 yards, 32 TDs, and made it to the playoffs for the third consecutive time, but that's still a phrase I'd have never imagined hearing. You can read it here.

I was wrong.

The Lions did make a move to get a QB in the 5th round, but it wasn't McPherson. They went with UConn QB Dan Orlovsky. Not a bad pick: he's 6'4", 238, has some skills, and a cool last name. McPherson went off the board 7 picks later to New Orleans. Great place for a guy with character issues to land.

QB #3

It's the second day of the draft and the Lions still need a 3rd-string quarterback? Who to pick? Some of the players still available: Adrian McPherson- Florida State, Timmy Chang- Hawaii, Dan Orlovsky- UConn, Derek Anderson- Oregon State, Ryan Fitzpatrick- Harvard, and Jason White- Oklahoma. My pick? McPherson, if they can get him. I usually am not a fan of guys with character issues, but this guy has 1st-round skills. If they take him in the 6th he would be worth the risk.

Crazy 88

Apparently, Mike Williams' jersey will look more like this:

New Jerseys

Maybe Mike will wear one of these?



What do you think?

Mike Williams?

With the tenth pick in the 2005 NFL Draft the Detroit Lions selected Mike Williams of USC. It was fairly surprising and I imagine they are going to catch a lot of flack for it when the draft grades come out since he's their third first round receiver pick in 3 years. I was expecting defense for this pick, but I wasn't totally shocked. I had read something earlier in the week that Millen said about taking value with the 10th pick. Obviously, I think Williams has value since I've said he's the best WR in the draft. Now Harrington is under REALLY intense scrutiny, because if you can't get the ball to Chuck, Roy, and Mike you can't play in this league. Who's ready to order a Mike Williams black alternate jersey? What do you think his number will be?

Mock-sanity 5: Bedtime for Bonzo

I lied! The name gag has taken over, plus I found more mock drafts from NFL.com: here, here, and here. Also, the Lions have signed tackle Kyle Kosier to a one-year deal, so their need at tackle is now much less severe.

NFL TV Deal

Since I was in North Carolina on Monday and Tuesday, I forgot to write anything about this. NBC has managed to get NFL games back, though only the Sunday night ones. And ESPN gets Monday Night Football moved there from ABC, which will be aired locally if your team is playing that night. I would have preferred football stay off NBC, but they obviously needed it badly and were willing to pay. My biggest concern is about what happens to ESPN's Sunday Night Football crew. They are the best in the business, hands down. I guess it'd be okay if they went to NBC, but I'd rather see them tak over MNF.

Popular Guy

This report says Braylon Edwards is getting a lot of interest in the draft, with the newest team showing interest being the Redskins. A lot of people seem to think Edwards is the best receiver in the draft, including Tom Friend here (Note: this is for purposes of talking about Edwards, not as another mock draft). I'm not sold on Edwards. Great, he hyperventilates before games, his ego is huge, and I'm SURE he is not the next Jerry Rice. In fact, I'll guarantee he won't even be the best rookie receiver next season. And, yes, I'm baiting Aaron.

Another thing I've been hearing is that Troy Williamson may end up being picked ahead of Mike Williams as the 2nd receiver taken. Now, I understand the case for Edwards, and Williamson is fast, but this is silly. It looks to me like a textbook case of scouts looking at numbers more than talent. And Mel Kiper agrees with me. Williamson may very well turn out to be a great pro, but mark my words, if a team selects him ahead of Williams, they'll regret it.

Mock-sanity 4: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Seriously, this is the last one. I mean it. (BTW, you can check out the movie here.)

C isn't for Cookie?

I just heard about this. What an outrage. An excerpt from Goldberg's article:

"Lecter: First principles, Clarice. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing, ask: What is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this creature you seek?

Starling: He entertains children….

Lecter: No! That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing he does? What need does he serve by entertaining children?

Starling: Social acceptance? Personal frustration?

Lecter: No: He craves. That’s his nature. And what does he crave? Make an effort to answer.

Starling: Food?

Lecter: No! He is not a “food monster!” He is a cookie monster!"

I'm going to have to go eat some cookies in protest. Mmmmm...cookies.

Mock-sanity 3: This Time It's Personal

Another mock draft from Mike O'Hara of the Detroit News. This is the last one. Probably.

Correction

Turns out "Back in Black" was accurate. From an article in the Free Press today:

"In 1948, former Indiana University coach Alvin (Bo) McMillin took over the Lions and changed their uniform colors to scarlet and white so they resembled the Hoosiers. He gave them all-black uniforms for big games, and they wore four combinations of the three colors."

I knew that they wore red for a time, but I had forgotten about the black. Here's a picture of the new ones:



I have to admit that these are slowly growing on me. You can buy them at the Detroit Lions website.

Back in Black

Okay, the Lions, to my knowledge, have never worn black before, but I couldn't resist. They unveiled their new black home alternates today. Check them out here. I'm not crazy about the idea, and I think black jerseys are becoming way overused, but these look okay. I'm afraid they'll end up like the Spartans silver b-ball unis: they look decent, but they're totally unnecessary. Marketing strikes again.

Also at the Freep Curt Sylvester has a mock draft up. At this point I think every sports writer has done one.

Taste the Force

I went to Wal-mart yesterday for cereal and had to buy this:



I expect to have Force powers within the week. Or maybe turn into a Wookiee.

Mock-sanity 2: Electric Boogaloo

As anticipation for the 2005 NFL Draft reaches a fever pitch ESPN has released it's own mock draft. Picked by ESPN.com senior NFL writers John Clayton and Len Pasquarelli, it appears to be a bastard child of their different takes on this draft. It talks of possibilities of more trades, but doesn't actually predict any. It's fun if you're into this sort of thing, which obviously I am. Also, if you're curious:

"10. Lions: Derrick Johnson, LB, Texas
John Clayton, ESPN.com senior NFL writer: This isn't a lock. The Lions would be tempted if Antrel Rolle fell to the 10th pick. It's also not out of the question that the Lions draft defensive end Erasmus James. In the end, though, the Lions can get a play-making linebacker who has the ability to dominate a game because of his speed."

Mock-sanity

If you still haven't got enough of the draft you can find a LionsFan.com mock draft here. If you're actually interested in seeing what might happen during the real draft, I'd skip this one. The author appears to have under the influence of numerous mind-altering substances when he made this up.

More Matt Jones

Yahoo! Sports has an article up by Charles Robinson about my favorite player in the draft, Matt Jones. You can read it here. An interesting part:

"Standing 6-foot-6 and weighing 241 pounds, he's a college quarterback who has the size of a tight end. Yet his 40 time is better than Michigan's Braylon Edwards, who is 31 pounds lighter and widely considered the top receiver in the draft. Even Jones's splits – 10-yard and 20-yard times – were nearly equal or faster than those of Edwards."

I want the Lions to get this guy, but I imagine it's only a dream.

More Mockery

Need more info on the NFL Draft? You can check out the Sporting News mock draft here. Not one round, not five rounds, not even three rounds, but seven full rounds of projections. Sure to be 90% wrong. Enjoy.

Skip Bayless...

... rips into T.O. and challenges him to a debate here. Now, I'm not a Bayless fan in general, but he makes a lot of good points here. You might say he brings it, and doesn't suck. With a little more of this he might win me over. Of course, I strongly dislike Owens, so maybe this isn't a good article to judge with. Either way, it's pretty entertaining.

"Game over man, game over!"

There's an interesting, and by interesting I mean silly, article up at The Guardian about the greatest threats to life on Earth. Apparently the human race being subjugated by robots is as big a threat as climate change. Who knew? I guess we should have been suspicious after all we've heard about cyborg monkeys, perhaps they are the shock troops of a robot army. Anyway, a blog did an analysis of this here if you're interested.

First Pitches

From National Review:

"President Bush is scheduled to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals' home opener tonight. The Wash Post has a graphic on the history of first pitches here. Every prez since William Taft has tossed a first pitch, with one exception: that killjoy Jimmy Carter. Reagan only did it twice. G.H.W. Bush hurled (no pun intended) on foreign soil--in Toronto."

At least the President will be able to get it across the plate. So many celebrities are just pitiful.

Mock Draft

If anyone's interested, there's a new mock draft up at SI.com. You can check it out here.

Draft History

Want to see just how important the draft is to a team? Check out DraftHistory.com. A look at the Lions' drafts of the late 90's will give you a pretty good idea of why they've been down for a while.

Also, Aaron noted that the Lions could trade down. I'd agree that this is probably a good strategy if possible, but unlikely because most seem to think there a few standouts in this draft. That being said, someone will surely trade somewhere in the first round.

The Draft

As promised, or maybe just mentioned, more on the NFL Draft. For reference, you can check Mel Kiper's Big Board (Top 25 Prospects) and Scout.com's Top 125.

As I posted before, the Lions have legitimate needs at OT, WR, DE/OLB, CB, and QB. OT is the biggest hole as they lost a starter to free agency. The others are a bit of a toss-up, with QB probably being the lowest priority. So, who to take? Let's make a list of top prospects at those positions who might reasonably be available at the 10th pick (excluding QB, the Lions aren't using a 1st round pick there).

OT- Alex Barron, the unquestioned top tackle in the draft.

WR- Mike Williams, Troy Williamson, and Matt Jones (just for kicks).

DE/OLB- Derrick Johnson, Dan Cody, Shawne Merriman, Marcus Spears.

CB- Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Antrel Rolle, Carlos Rogers.

I think this shakes out to 2 possible picks: Alex Barron or Derrick Johnson. I can't imagine the Lions taking a top receiver 3 years in a row with their first pick. The CB position needs depth, but there are 2 solid starters there already. Scouts seem to agree that Barron is nearly a sure-fire tackle prospect and Johnson was probably the best LB in the country last year; he also played for a big-time program. My pick? I know the O-line is important, but I'd hate to see the Lions pass up a talent like Derrick Johnson. However, I think I'd be satisfied with either pick. Now, if they can only figure out a way to draft Matt Jones without overpaying... Comments?

Lions Draft Day Needs

I just saw this article up on Yahoo and thought I'd share. The most interesting part:

TEAM NEEDS
Wide receiver – The Lions need to add depth. Charles Rogers has been injury prone since arriving two seasons ago and Roy Williams was bothered with minor, nagging injuries despite having a solid rookie season in 2004. Az-Zahir Hakim has been a disappointment since coming over from the Rams and Tai Streets did not add anything of significance.

Offensive right tackle – With the departure of Stockar McDougle to Miami in free agency, the Lions have two young players in Victor Rogers and Kelly Butler . Neither has the experience to step into the starting role. The Lions may look towards free agency and the draft to solidify the position.

Cornerback – The Lions lack depth. Fernando Bryant and Dre' Bly are the starters. Andre' Goodman and Chris Cash are the backups but have not shown the ability to step in and be counted on as dependable replacements.

Defensive end/Outside linebacker – Adding quality, depth and speed from the outside edge of the defense is a must. While the position is not an absolute necessity, the Lions would like to add the presence of a disruptive force from either defensive end or outside linebacker.

Tackle is the only position where the Lions are short a player, besides 3rd string QB. I'll probably write more about this later.

Un-Rehabilitation

One year into his rehabilitation in Philly, Terrell Owens looks prepared to trash the whole project, says Phil Sheridan of the Philadelphia Enquirer here. It's hard to imagine T.O. being more popular in Philly than he is now after his play last season and especially in the Super Bowl. Well, winning the Super Bowl might have made him slightly more popular. Anyway, hiring Drew Rosenhaus is a bad sign. If he starts boycotting minicamps or holding out, after making $10 million last year, well that's just idiotic.

Watch out Barry

Did you know that Hideki Matsui is on pace to hit 162 homers this season? This would shatter Bonds' current record. However, as the Yankees have only played 2 games, it may be a little early to start projecting stats.

Phrase of the Day

The phrase of the day: scrotal-tightening horror. See the G-File for the context.

Why CC is better than NY

One reason:

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- A Chinese food delivery man was found trapped in a broken elevator Tuesday, more than three days after he was reported missing, police said…

Shamelessly stolen from the Corner at NRO.

All-Time All-Tigers

Also at the Detroit Tigers website, you can vote for the All-Time All-Tigers team. Go and vote for Gibson, Trammell, and Sparky.

ROAR!

.
Dmitri Young came up big today in the Tigers season opener. Da Meat Hook became just the 3rd player to hit 3 HRs on Opening Day; he went 4-4 with 5 RBI (That's a 4.25 OPS for you Moneyballers). The Tigers beat the Royals 11-2. Bonderman is the youngest opening-day starter since 1986 to win for the Tigers. Here's the recap.

In other news, scientists are still experimenting with monkey cyborgs:

"And at labs in several universities, monkeys operate mechanical arms with just their brains. At the University of Pittsburgh, a monkey can feed itself chunks of zucchini and orange slices this way."

Go and get your riot gear...

You may have heard about there being a "civil disturbance" in E.L. on Saturday night. Now some students are whining because they got tear gassed when they weren't doing anything. Whatever. I'm sick of these idiots making me and my school look bad. As my friend Fitzy J said on Saturday night when he heard some people were causing trouble in Cedar Village: "Gas 'em." The police may have overreacted a little, but maybe it'll teach those morons a lesson. To paraphrase a particularly skull-looking fictional character: "Fear will keep the students in line..."

A joke

I don't have anything April Foolish to say, but here's a joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."